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Republic. I like the sound of the word. It means people can live free, talk free, go or come, buy or sell, be drunk or sober, however they choose. Some words can give you a feeling that makes your heart warm. Republic is one of those words. - John Wayne

Friday, June 10, 2005
Rummy's Letter to Prisoner
by Cordeiro
One of the SOTR's most prolific commenters has seen fit to quote one of my posts on his blog. As he did so with proper (and I might add somewhat flattering) attribution, I won't poke too much fun at him.

His latest post deals with Gitmo, and his curiosity as to why most Americans don't really care if the murdering terrorist thugs are made to feel uncomfortable during their stay.

Again, for the record, Prisoner, these are not prisoners of war and therefore are not entitled to invoke the Geneva Convention, but we've already been over this many times.

So, I took it upon myself to place a call to the Secretary of Defense, the Honorable Donald Rumsfeld, affectionately referred to at the SOTR as Rummy, regarding Prisoner's concerns. He was kind enough to send me the below quoted communication and asked that I might forward it to Prisoner, as Rummy did not have the time to look him up. Evidently he had another interrogation to perform tonight. I replied that I would be happy to pass the message along and do so here:


The Pentagon
Arlington, Virginia

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good luck!


Donald Rumsfeld

In the interest of full disclosure, the above is complete satire, and an obligatory Hat Tip is rendered to Captain Ed for its use.

Here endeth the lesson
2 Comment(s):
Although you definitely made some more assumptions about "my liberalism", being a form letter, that is to be expected.

Sometimes I think I would be better at ascertaining guilt of these "enemy combatants" than the military seems to be. But wait until my next post where I point out the changing definition of "enemy combatant" since 2001. Stay tuned...
Your writing is funny and full of good content.
I really enjoyed the post about Dean.

I often join in on political debate/discussion at
Your thoughts & ideas would be welcomed.

Visit my homepage for a quick chuckle.
Keep up the great blogging!!
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