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Friday, June 02, 2006
 
So Nebulous The Plans Of Lurch
by Cordeiro
Just in case you were wondering, the Junior Senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts John F. "Lurch" Kerry, also known as the loser of the last Presidential election (regardless of what Bobby Kennedy and the Jackass Tin-Foil Hat Brigades may claim) has a plan.

I know this is shocking to all of you. Take a moment to collect yourself. I can wait.

Now that you've recovered from your shock, I'll fill you in on the particulars.

Lurch delivered a speech to the Pacific Council on International Policy yesterday - no doubt designed to fight insomnia. The LA Times bills Lurch as a 21-year veteran of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee - something that must come as a shock to the other committee members due to Lurch's rock bottom attendance record. Having learned little from the debacle that was his alleged presidential campaign, Lurch returned to the two-note Samba he's been playing for some years now. Here are some highlights:

Emphasizing that a nuclear-armed Iran would be "a very serious threat to the U.S. and our allies," Kerry contended that the most conservative estimates are that Tehran is at least five years away from developing atomic weapons.
Why thank you, Lurch. I don't think I could've figured that out on my own. So, what you're saying is, you're willing to punt on this issue for some five years or so?

Lurch also let slip his plan for success in Iraq. He plans to

...attach an amendment to this summer's defense appropriations bill calling for a total withdrawal of U.S. combat troops by the end of this year.
Again, a little slow on the uptake, Lurch. That bill was introduced in the House some months ago and went down in a flaming defeat. Then again, you know all about flaming defeats now, don't you.

Never fear. Lurch also disclosed his inner most thoughts. He's thinking "very hard" and "a lot earlier" than he'd hoped about a 2008 presidential run. I figure - knowing how long it takes Lurch to finish a thought process - he should be done thinking about 2008 in 2024.
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